#Kink checklist online 2019 how to#

The kinksters I spoke with said there was not a perfect checklist or script for how to talk about sex. When you talk about sex acts, talk about what they mean to you 'It's OK to have a discussion the next day or the week after and say, 'I liked this but I didn't like that or can we try this next time?' etc,' she says.

Talk about sex after sex,' says Heather, who works with the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, an advocacy group for kinksters. 'If you don't say no, it's fine' versus what I go for is, 'If you say yes, it's good.' ' For Ren, that opt-in consent means only doing to a partner what has already been discussed.Ĭonsent is ongoing, and partners should be talking if something goes wrong and someone wants to stop, everything should stop. 'It's opt-in consent, as opposed to what the vanilla world works with - which is opt-out consent. Ren says she has started working only with what she calls 'enthusiastic consent.' That could include one partner preparing the cigar for their dominant partner, presenting it and lighting it in a show of submission. She organizes cigar socials - events where kinksters can explore the ritual of smoking cigars in a more sexual context. That includes discussing what's about to happen before it happens, hashing out boundaries and ensuring that everyone involved is on the same page.įor Ren, the kind of consent she's getting is especially important. If that negotiation is done right, it's more like a collaboration toward a common goal: each party's pleasure. it's a dialogueĪ core principle of kink is negotiating with a prospective partner before anything happens. Here's what I found out.Ĭonsent isn't a simple yes-or-no question.

#Kink checklist online 2019 full#

We aren't using their full names to protect their current and future employment opportunities. Since this is a community that has made an art out of talking openly about sex, I sat down with a group of kinksters in Washington, D.C., to learn some better ways to think and talk about consent. Julie, a kinkster and sociologist in the Washington, D.C., area, believes that the communication kinksters have with one another distinguishes them from 'vanillas.' To make sure each partner is on the same page, kinksters have to talk about sex in a way that vanilla people - those who don't participate in kinky activities - often don't. Being tied up or handcuffed (bondage), spanked (discipline) and role-playing all fall under BDSM. That includes BDSM - a subset of kink - which stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism. Merriam-Webster's definition of kink is 'unconventional sexual taste or behavior' and includes a wide variety of behaviors and preferences. I thought about how that hesitancy to speak can muddy the waters of consent, and I wanted to explore that idea with people who talk about sex a lot: the kink community, or kinksters, as they're known.

It has been on my mind a lot recently, how I, like so many people, have been socialized not to talk about sex because it's uncomfortable or awkward or it might kill the mood.

I was familiar with the sickening feeling of being distressed by something that was happening, while also feeling unable or hesitant to speak up for myself. I remembered times on dates when I had expressed my discomfort by simply pulling away or turning my head when a guy tried to kiss or touch me when I didn't want to be kissed or touched. I flashed back to my own similarly uncomfortable experiences, when I was single and new to D.C. I was shaken when the #MeToo movement exploded, not only by the stories of sexual assault and harassment but also by the stories of women who had felt pressured or coerced into having sex they didn't want. I don't remember when the concept of consent as it relates to sex became part of my vocabulary, but it shapes how I approach my personal relationships and affects the way I move through the world. Talking about sex and consent can be awkward, but it's important - learning to do it better can help make sure that everyone is on the same page and also that you have the kind of sex that you want to have, whether that involves handcuffs or not.